Mr & Mrs Smith

The latest is that February flew by in a very mundane way. We have been home more than not which is hard on me & the kids, but we're making it work. Part of that was due to our minivan being in the shop (but it has also been really cold, even snowed a good bit). We have only paid for a transmission fluid flush at this point; I dropped it off yesterday for a second transmission opinion so we're just waiting. Always waiting and lately it has been for bad financial news. But what's a car in terms of heaven.  Life is expensive & there is always something. But it has been frustrating nonetheless to want a dependable minivan for the 3rd child and dealing with this before she even comes.  I'm just very frustrated if all this drama was due to a missing dipstick that has been missing since we bought the vehicle. The question is if the transmission will go, is it worth the other quoted RARE mechanics eventually needed as well as the regular stuff. It's hard to in...

I'm not sure what unhappy feelings feels like on an unborn, but I already feel bad for this child.  So many minutes in a day my kids are adorable, and we are gliding by & they are laughing. Two seconds later & they are screaming like someone chopped their arm off.  I wouldn't know when an ER visit is imminent because those lungs have already given me PTSD over nothing. Yeah, let's add potty training to emotional children & again, I feel bad for the unborn, and my brain. It takes a lot of energy to fuss too. I'm so drained & I hate that.  But their screaming has to stop. I'm pretty sure Lexi taught Dallin how to do it when they are excited and frustrated. I'm supposed to be calm, but firm back? Lexi already cannot hear. Literally, she is deaf to any sort of instruction or request. That will literally be her biggest challenge in school - how to follow instructions.  But make her a promise about a treat or let her retell a story from TV and apparen...

Our last lesson in Sunday School in 2017 surrounded the concept of mental illness in the context of how, as parents, do we handle this issue in our families. Most seem to agree that mental illness has gotten more prevelant over the years & connect that to the effects of technology, which was the topic of the last 5th Sunday lesson. I didn't have any strong thoughts to share then, but as I pondered it a bit more, I feel like I do have something to offer parents of teenagers, and I think in turn I have to take those suggestions and apply them now with even my littles. Wherever we are in life, there is a roll you can play to be an influence for good. Understanding mental illness is good for everyone, and learning how to assist where possible is essential too. 1. Parents need to be more open. Not about everything, but I remember wanting to feel like an adult in the sense that my thoughts or feelings were trusted & valued. There are things parents can do to widen the door ...

Christmas is an exciting time for new things, new gifts & treats. It's fun to think about giving gifts to our children or receiving some ourselves. I know some people love this opportunity, but I'm not in love with the gifts per say. I do love the idea of giving of course, and seeing our children get excited over something new. But it gives me anxiety to give, wanting to give something that is valued. I have the same issue with receiving, I want it to be worth that person's cost. Mr Smith may tell you I still love receiving packages. I mean even if you bought it, who doesn't love getting them, but sometimes it can become too much. Perhaps I just don't have the gift of gift giving. My kids still don't know what to ask for & are only starting to show interest in particular things. I have a hard time at this age too because gratitude doesn't always come naturally & I despise nothing more than not appreciating a gift. I may sound like a hypocrit...

I have the worst memory, otherwise you'd think I'd know my baby stuff by now. I know to ask more questions than just assume stranger doc knows best, but two kids and no Mr Smith easily has me flustered. It was supposed to be a quick first apt. Just tell me there is a heartbeat. It's the best part, right? Well, I didn't expect to have to deal with a cervix / internal uterus check with two kids today. It completely flustered me more as she walked out of the room matter of factly. Why didn't I just say no, I don't think that's necessary? Because I didn't want to tick a doctor off today? She already ticked me off when she wouldn't believe me when I said I was 12 weeks pregnant, not 14 weeks. I tried explaining that my periods were 40 days apart and I actually tracked this one, "we'll see" at the 20 week apt, but what I should have said was "you mean 18 weeks?". I'm ready to switch offices, at least physicians. The other d...

God knows us. I have a very real testimony of this. He loves us. I know this like I know the sun rises in the morning. This love allows him to hear the prayers, the small ones we imperfectly say to our minds as our heads hit the pillow AND the ones with tears that stream down in our car when every ounce of our existence feels defeated.  I remember those times in the beginning where I felt the comfortable life was too good to be true. I just knew something else would be coming that I needed to be prepared for. Life wasn't going to go according to my ideal plan. And that time surely came. I'd like to say I was emotionally and mentally prepared for it, but certainly that has been His goal, to make me stronger. I did not think I would repeat this opportunity multiple times, but that's where the faith really grows. I have not been alone in this journey of uncertainty. I honestly couldn't imagine time stopping in that first phase. I think of all the relationships that ...

I haven't had the desire to blog. I'm not sure if it's my attitude, exhaustion, lack of things to say or too much that's full of negativity or things I shouldn't say. Mr Smith has quit his job and his 3 week notice came and went. He has prospects, but for me, waiting one day seems like years. I'm grateful that his joy is back, we're happier & there is still hope. However, we don't intend on staying when at one point we thought we might. Nothing is keeping us here and perhaps it's just time to move on. I just can't see the future and that's hard for me. It's hard for me to give up control and wait. I think my ability to forgive & let go should be greater. And I think my faith should be stronger. I'm disappointed in myself and perhaps just exhausted from work & the kids. This is a HARD age with Dallin not communicating still (outside of pointing with grunts), yet getting into everything. He got a viral infection that ...

Updates on my children are the only reason I seem to blog these days. It's so hard to sit down at the computer un-accosted let alone with enough energy to really express what goes through my mind in a day or week. I hate that I don't make time for it anymore. Even now, I have a tyrant 3 year old repeating "I want to do what I want to do." Seriously, children give you the best perspective ourselves because I know Heavenly Father has heard all this from me too.  I get so frustrated as a parent trying to be patient and teach "basic" principles that sum up to how to teach your children to be kind people and it's excruciating at times. And I'm not going to lie, both of us have said "because I said so" at some point in time. Just listen you freakin insolent child or you'll die or at least suffer a very painful life. So yeah. Obey or die. I'm trying not to mirror the bipolar behavior, but my gosh controlling emotions, i.e. using our w...

When I do have time to write, it's mostly about my children because they are the cute munchkins that change so much so fast and I feel like I'll forget so I'm hopelessly grasping just enough time to let me write it all down for the sake of memory, mostly out of fear. I realize in heaven we'll have a perfect recollection. How amazing would be it be to remember only every single cute moment and never have to repeat any of the awful ones? Like can I repent for yelling or acting like I was 3 today? Can that not be part of the perfect recollection in the next life? Yes, thank goodness for the Atonement of Jesus Christ. My biggest fear in this life is that I don't lean on Him enough.  I've said it repeatedly over the last week, how I realize I hold Lexi to a high standard. Honestly, I'm hoping I have the same standard for all of my children, but the oldest is always "the one who knows more and, therefore, she should act better". I hope I don...

Yoho, it's never about us anymore is it! We haven't dated much mostly because we're trying to save and that's an easy way to save (whether or not we could come up with cheaper or sacrifice elsewhere that's definitely the case), but we're also a little lazy. By the time Friday rolls around, we're excited we can worry less about the details of the next day. We just like to relax, but we relax differently. Mr Smith can go from one episode to the next and I like breaks. I like going on walks, seeing new things organizing stuff, or talking about life. I haven't felt like I've had a break in awhile; even if Mr Smith is watching the kids. I rarely get moments of just me for me. That's mostly because I don't even think about doing something for me. What I think about is truly doing for my kids and maybe Mr Smith. It comes naturally most of the time. However, I've definitely come to realize if mama doesn't take a break and think about her...

Life gets away from me constantly. Mostly because I'm just so exhausted to fit in everything let alone the abstract things I "should" do. Some days still really seem like survival. A fog some say, truly exists.  But I try to at least be present for my kids. I definitely struggle with Lexi. I usually max out early evening. And I know Dallin is too well aware of media already. But every day is a new day to try. And try my patience they do. Just kidding, I mean not, but the goal is for me to be better because I'm the one who needs it. We have kids to try our souls I tell ya. I feel like having kids has made me completely aware of all my weaknesses, like a slap in the face. Otherwise, I would have been a very patient, easy going, kind spirit. Now, I'm a bit of everything.  Lexi is still very much attached to her brother, but I realized I don't have a ton of pictures of just the two of them. I also fell in love with Dallin's 12 month church outfit. Sla...

It's not about not wanting to. It has nothing to do with what I want, not really . It's what I'm willing to do or shall I say, my priority in this moment.  I feel like ever since I got married or had children, the question "what do I want" never comes to mind. It's always a matter of "what am I willing to do." Maybe I'm just talking semantics. I'll explain.  In an ideal world, I would do it all. Everything selfish or unselfish I would do. Because why not? But no one has the energy for all that. AND what I really want is typically intrinsic, like happiness. We really just want to find the joy that's found living on this earth, but we rarely understand what gives us that in the end. If I knew, I would make the best choices every time. What makes me happy now and will it make me happy later? Delayed gratification plays a big part too. I don't have to love every step in the process, but I may want to do it because I want that en...

I keep thinking about things to blog about regarding my new life as a mother of two, although it still doesn't really seem like my life yet since mostly we just linger around the house all day. I start working part-time again next week and I'm anxious about losing even more energy. Serious zombie walking around here. And as I tell him he is driving me crazy this morning for not going happily back to sleep (baby D being the reason for the zombie movements) he smiles and coos at me. Yes guys, a tender moment brought by the cutest smile on the planet. No reflexes, he just loves me. However, as I talk to him, I can barely keep my eyes open I'm so tired! This apt has been great for us except NOT for the newborn phase. We can't cry it out because everyone including the neighbors will be able to hear him. Mr Smith can't go elsewhere to sleep since the couch that came with the apt is small and the room doesn't have a fan. So we're stuck in the same room wit...