It's not about not wanting to. It has nothing to do with what I want, not really. It's what I'm willing to do or shall I say, my priority in this moment. I feel like ever since I got married or had children, the question "what do I want" never comes to mind. It's always a matter of "what am I willing to do." Maybe I'm just talking semantics.
I'll explain.
In an ideal world, I would do it all. Everything selfish or unselfish I would do. Because why not? But no one has the energy for all that. AND what I really want is typically intrinsic, like happiness. We really just want to find the joy that's found living on this earth, but we rarely understand what gives us that in the end. If I knew, I would make the best choices every time. What makes me happy now and will it make me happy later? Delayed gratification plays a big part too. I don't have to love every step in the process, but I may want to do it because I want that end goal. It's either that or something else took priority in the moment. There are lots of good choices out there. And sometimes the best choice isn't something we agree on, but we don't need to since my life isn't your life. And sometimes my choice has nothing to do with you personally, and people need to realize that too.
Unless you are Mr Smith. In that case, our lives are a constant battle of sacrifice and being. Raising children is so exhausting. Being with them all day and having spurts of them at night literally drains your soul at times. And I've said it over and over, they give me purpose and are everything I'd live and die for. But do I want to do everything that's needed to train these minions? Heck no. There are some days where I like to pretend I'm not mommy. But I can't escape it; I'm still in the thick of hearing my name yelled from the other room repeatedly until my mind explodes and usually my mouth follows. I mean I can't tell you how many times I think "cut it out!" to my children. But I want to raise these souls and help them understand their purpose. It's a privilege to do nothing but serve them for 18 years although sometimes that feels like death. So sure, I want this, sort of. But mostly, I'm just willing to do whatever it takes.
<Dallin at 3 months>
This is one of my favorite photos of Dallin. His skin tone against the other colors is perfect. Along with his deep stare... Uncle Lance invited us to his work party @Seven Peaks. I like to take any opportunity to get Lexi in the water. Thanks to Aunt Lisa, two kids without Mr Smith at such an event was manageable. Otherwise, I probably would have lost Lexi since she is super obedient. She does love the water, but still hasn't gotten brave enough to get her head wet.
Oh Sams club, we like you sometimes. But those mushrooms went bad before I got around to cooking them. Such a bummer. Lexi would say that's a win.
Don't even get me started on these packages that came for Mr Smith. Biggest eye roll of the year. We also decided to get Dallin used to the jumper early. His neck and back control have certainly stepped it up. And the picture below looks like it's advertising a wheat grinder, but in fact, Dallin can handle the table seat and Lexi smiled and was calm for once.
The Provo library has a great summer reading program with stuff happening every day. We decided to get there for the canopy story time. I remembered lunch but forgot the picnic blanket, doh. So we sat on my nursing cover, but they basically just sat on me. It was HOT. But look at Lexi's lashes, they are fabulous. She doesn't get them from me!
I love these 12 month overalls on him. The end.
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