I haven't had the desire to blog. I'm not sure if it's my attitude, exhaustion, lack of things to say or too much that's full of negativity or things I shouldn't say. Mr Smith has quit his job and his 3 week notice came and went. He has prospects, but for me, waiting one day seems like years. I'm grateful that his joy is back, we're happier & there is still hope. However, we don't intend on staying when at one point we thought we might. Nothing is keeping us here and perhaps it's just time to move on. I just can't see the future and that's hard for me. It's hard for me to give up control and wait.
I think my ability to forgive & let go should be greater. And I think my faith should be stronger. I'm disappointed in myself and perhaps just exhausted from work & the kids. This is a HARD age with Dallin not communicating still (outside of pointing with grunts), yet getting into everything. He got a viral infection that just finally ran it's course, but the congestion is still there. Lexi needs attention we don't have the patience to give at times. I wanted the next child to be less than 2 years apart but we already hit the 2 year mark. Nothing is as I planned, but maybe that's His plan.
I also hate that Dallin threw my friend's phone in a mud puddle today. Phones are expensive. And I'm just annoyed I couldn't stop it from happening. I can't stop everything, but my desire to control the negative things in life from happening is strong. So my weakness is controlling how I react when things don't go according to plan. I try to keep my general life flexible enough, but this is probably difficult for most and is the source of my anxiety. Where is our breaking point? What's worth worrying about? What am I here to learn?
I also don't always enjoy conversations with born again Christians who create divides where none need to be BUT I suppose maybe I need to accept that there are significant differences between me and them. I just think my reasons are reasonable and it's hard to accept the opinion of others who don't really want to see. I think many of us seek first to change the other's view before trying to see through someone else's eyes. But at least it's America and we can still coexist peacefully. Each individual chooses how they wish to live given their knowledge & experiences. However, it's difficult to overcome culture & biases engrained from infancy. Perhaps that's their worry. But no one need worry about me or my family going to hell.
Perhaps I fear change coming or I fear that no change will come at all. I'm honestly not sure which side I fear, but I know it's the opposite of faith. Hence the current struggle. To let go what I don't want to let in. To accept the unknown & appreciate the time that is current. To believe that I have a purpose, I am making purpose and that there is still a future full of purpose. To believe that I CAN do it all and find joy therein.
What's most interesting is that I know my purpose in my small world is already great and influential, or at least I'm aware enough to know it exists, but perhaps I'm just always wanting more, more of myself & more of others and that dissatisfaction with our current selves or current situation breads unhappiness and honestly exhaustion in itself. So I know my perspective needs to change. I just haven't quite gotten there...
PS - I didn't log out as Eric. Perhaps Mr Smith has a completely different view ;)
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