I just finalized my performance review for last year. Apparently I reached something that is very rare. I feel like the only way to go is down, but that's just where my mind goes. Let's stay up for a second and let that sink in; I'm doing something right, at least in one aspect of my life. I'm valued. I might still be caught up in the details to always feel confident, but my effort is noticed and appreciated. And it is nice finally getting to a place where you can be confident in what you do. What I do might sound uninviting to many, but I love having a distraction that allows me to continue to develop general management skills while still being a mother for most of the hours in the day.
I have nothing against those that choose to work full-time; I know part of them don't want to, but I completely understand why they do. However, we can be honest in the fact that part of being a mother is taken from you when you make that choice - you hand it off to someone else for however many hours in the day. And I won't lie, even though I work most of my hours from home, I'm still putting my motherhood on hold while I respond to emails. I'm not saying parenthood goes away when we're away from our children, but you must understand that not only physically are we away, even mentally & emotionally - you're missing them. And so are the parents that are home, yet choose not to interact with their children. I know mothers or fathers hate missing out on the cuddles and new things our children learn in a day while at work. We like to be there, but it isn't always possible. And everyone need breaks, even breaks from our beloved children. Our children and husbands need us to have breaks. But it's hard to work that out while they're young.
This is for many of my friends with young kids who just aren't sure.
You'll hear it from anywhere - that motherhood is one of the toughest, yet rewarding jobs. I think I've talked about it before because post-Lexi I had this really hard struggle on my identity. It's so easy to define your purpose in a role as an employee. Your role as a mother is very undefined. They hand you the baby at the hospital and let you walk out. We raise them on the best knowledge, skills & faults we have today. I've never gotten a far exceeds expectations at home. I rarely have dinner, the organized house, the random tasks, teaching Lexi new things, etc... recognized as anything but expected. I feel like motherhood is a complete paradox where guilt quickly trickles behind any excitement. Most of the time, we pat our own backs. And in the times where we fall short, we completely feel like a failure. We often feel content & discontent at the same time with ourselves in this role. At least I do.
And I chose it although I never said I'd be good at it. Just because I got married doesn't mean I'll cook the way he likes. Just because I had a baby doesn't mean I'll morph into a perfect mom. But Mr Smith and I knew that him working full-time to provide and me staying at home to nurture was our best option. Working for pay out of the home is a bonus when we can get it if I can handle the balance. But that's the tricky part, in most cases you're sacrificing something. I'm not sure what a complete balance would look like. Perhaps whatever makes your family most happy. And sometimes, that means mothers shouldn't give up on their life passions and external goals. I know we are motivated to do and be for a reason. And our children shouldn't see us lose our passions in life. Passion is important and perhaps when it is all said and done, that is what we pass on.
I'm not sure what I can handle. I drop balls all the time. The patience one gets dropped the most. Then maybe dusting and vacuuming. Dinner is down there too. But it happens and honestly, I think it should be okay and makes us human. We care & try and that matters. I don't think we can let anyone else, even our husbands, make us feel less valued for dropping balls when too many variables come into play with motherhood. You're awesome for taking on a tough job. Love it and live it the best you can regardless of expectations.
Either way, the best pay raise is your own satisfaction. Although extra cash doesn't hurt, money just isn't dependable. Those smiling faces and cuddles are what's worth it.
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