1st Trimester

*4 weeks ago*

I'm staying quite for several reasons. 1. I'm scared every day I will lose the baby so getting my hopes too high makes me anxious. 2. I'm working still and trying to stay calm with how all the logistics are going to work out {I didn't expect to be in this position again}. 3. Sometimes it's fun to keep the secret - to just smile to yourself without having to share something so personal, which is all it is at this point. 

I don't like being pregnant. I won't ever understand those who do. People can relate to being sick and getting to that low point where you think you have no idea what it's like to feel normal anymore - to lose hope in the idea that you will ever see what normal is again. I whine and I don't keep my feelings from Mr Smith. I'm selfish and want him to know exactly what I'm going through so that we can go through it together. I tell a few other close friends and family members just so he isn't my only sounding board. I don't like to walk the hard road alone that's for sure. But there is nothing to congratulate at this point.

Unlike the first time, I looked forward to each month wondering if this one would be it. I never really wanted to buy more feminine supplies and that month was no different. I took a test that was very faint and it was after several minutes so I discounted it, but knew in my heart that was the first sign. My periods are nothing but delayed; however, after another few days of nothing I knew I was pregnant again and a second test confirmed, still faint, but a little darker. I figured I was about 4 weeks along. One more test more than a week later confirmed almost instantly that I was probably 5 weeks pregnant. At 7 weeks, I started using the bathroom more than usual, I became excessively exhausted after just an hour of being on my feet and my stomach started giving me some issues. Those three things have stayed constant. I felt most like throwing up in the mornings, but so far I only threw up at ~week 8. Usually it's just a gag reflex of extra saliva in the mornings and then I feel good enough to eat and I HAVE to eat or I feel like I'm going to pass out right then. Again, the hate love relationship with food is back and it's miserable. The smells are strong and can easily set me off. I usually can only think of ONE thing that sounds good and I HAVE to have only that.  

And that's my life right now. I'm counting down to my 12 week appointment (3.5 weeks) because that's the soonest the doctor will see you for a first appt. It makes sense, but my first appointment with Lexi was at 8 weeks and they were able to get a heartbeat on my stomach. So I'm trying to be patient, hoping everything will go well until then. That's the point where you become more giddy and less anxious. I'm counting the weeks from my last period right now, but I won't be surprised if they push me back 1 week at the apt.

Week 8 has probably been the most painful mentally and physically and Mr Smith completely stepped it up with doing the dishes, straightening up the home, taking care of Lexi and helping me with dinners. He said he didn't want anything for his birthday, and unfortunately, that's what he got from us.  Somehow we'll make it up to him. (He already splurged on something personal for himself as part of home preparation).