*I wasn't sure when to write this. much time has past now. I just felt like I should write this*
It was on a Sunday when I found out I was pregnant, for the second time. I had been off birth control for many months before I finally saw that second pink line. I was thrilled. Mr Smith was thrilled. The line was so faint. It didn't appear right away and I was deflated, but then after 30 seconds I thought maybe my eyes were deceiving me, that I really did just want an excuse to end my fast early, so I called Mr Smith in and we both smiled. Finally. Finally. We're going to have another child.
I wrote out a blog post with those words and a few others to save for the day we would make it official. But that day never came.
Honestly, the excitement only lasted for three days. In those three days, we bought a Big Sister shirt, talked about adjustment, how & when we would tell, and just smiled, which doesn't happen as often as it should these days. It was still surreal. Mr Smith would have to remind me at times.
We have thought I was pregnant before since I haven't been consistent post-delivery, but my hormones had nothing else to blame but my own mental and emotional insanity. For Mr Smith's sake, he was glad we finally had a reason for my heightened emotional state, all reasonable mind you, just heightened and difficult to hide. He felt he had been "more wrong than normal" although I'm not sure what he is talking about. For me, the period never came, that's all. I typically would wait (I was tired of getting my hopes up) so that I didn't waste a test (even though they cost $1), but I didn't want to fast too long if I was indeed pregnant - selfish really. I was a week late (which again wasn't surprising due to my postpartum body). I estimated I was three weeks along, although the doctors would call it week five. The heartbeat should have been forming then. But I started bleeding three days later and it didn't lighten up. I cramped and had pelvic pressure, stomach & back aches. They call it a chemical pregnancy.
I understand my loss was early on. It would have been harder if I had more than three days to daydream, but I now understand that even one day of knowing life is growing inside you - the possibility of growing your family is such an amazing feeling - creates a bond that can crush the soul when that idea is gone. Some say it didn't begin proper development to be called life. Maybe I am more saddened by the loss of a dream than anything. The wait is hard, especially when you aren't sure how long you will have to wait. But that has been my life story as of late, be patient, wait a little longer, the light will come. The day we were uprooted is the day I recognized some reason to the wait. We don't always see the end from the beginning.
It was on a Sunday when I found out I was pregnant, for the second time. I had been off birth control for many months before I finally saw that second pink line. I was thrilled. Mr Smith was thrilled. The line was so faint. It didn't appear right away and I was deflated, but then after 30 seconds I thought maybe my eyes were deceiving me, that I really did just want an excuse to end my fast early, so I called Mr Smith in and we both smiled. Finally. Finally. We're going to have another child.
I wrote out a blog post with those words and a few others to save for the day we would make it official. But that day never came.
Honestly, the excitement only lasted for three days. In those three days, we bought a Big Sister shirt, talked about adjustment, how & when we would tell, and just smiled, which doesn't happen as often as it should these days. It was still surreal. Mr Smith would have to remind me at times.
We have thought I was pregnant before since I haven't been consistent post-delivery, but my hormones had nothing else to blame but my own mental and emotional insanity. For Mr Smith's sake, he was glad we finally had a reason for my heightened emotional state, all reasonable mind you, just heightened and difficult to hide. He felt he had been "more wrong than normal" although I'm not sure what he is talking about. For me, the period never came, that's all. I typically would wait (I was tired of getting my hopes up) so that I didn't waste a test (even though they cost $1), but I didn't want to fast too long if I was indeed pregnant - selfish really. I was a week late (which again wasn't surprising due to my postpartum body). I estimated I was three weeks along, although the doctors would call it week five. The heartbeat should have been forming then. But I started bleeding three days later and it didn't lighten up. I cramped and had pelvic pressure, stomach & back aches. They call it a chemical pregnancy.
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| just so I don't forget. |
People expect a snowball effect of children once you get married, but sometimes God has a different plan. I'm not sure how much He controls vs letting us figure out life and use our own agency, but I think He cares significantly about our righteous desires and especially about His children entering the world. So my wait, and perhaps your wait, is more for us. Sometimes life is just confusing. I accept disappointment, but it doesn't mean I don't cry over it. It doesn't mean I keep it to myself. I don't want attention (most of the time that is worse. writing it out is my release), for I know my situation isn't unique. Sometimes it is just nice to know you aren't alone. You just need someone there to pick you back up and tell you to keep hoping, that it will be alright (someone you trust that is).
I probably won't laugh about jokes regarding more children; it is easy to just make a side comment; I've made them, but in the heat of the heartache, it can be hard to hold back tears. But if you read this, just understand that we all fight silent battles of heartache. And only Christ knows because He is the ONLY person who felt your pain. The only reason I had peace & hope that day was because of the temple. I know it will be hard, that sometimes hail pounds on the doorstep, but I trust Spring will come. And I'm grateful Mr Smith is there to hold my hand.
It's been a while since we communicated. I'm sorry for that. I am also sorry you had to go through this. It's a hard thing. My first pregnancy ended in miscarriage after 2 years of trying and I didn't get pregnant again for another 2 years. Oh man. It was the most depressed I've ever been in my life. I couldn't look at another person in the eye for a month. It is so hard to wait for righteous desires to be fulfilled. I definitely have a testimony of waiting on the Lord and trusting in his time. Much love and best wishes to you.
ReplyDeleteOh Kayla! You have gone through so much. Thank you for sharing this- I'd much rather know when others go through things like this so that I can be aware and sensitive. Not necessarily to censor myself around them, but to be more understanding. Love ya girl
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