"Some people are like rocks thrown into a sea of problems. They are drowned by them. Be a cork. When submerged in a problem, fight to be free to bob up to serve again with happiness…"
"The Lord is intent on your personal growth and development…When you trust in the Lord, when you are willing to let your heart and your mind be centered on His will, when you ask to be led by the Spirit to do His will, you are assured of the greatest happiness along the way and the most fulfilling attainment from this mortal experience"
--Elder Richard G Scott
I just want to make sure I document the fact that God's hand is in my life. I wasn't so sure for a period of time. I mean I know God knows me and my situation, but sometimes I feel like He is keeping me at arms length, checking in every now and then assuming I would figure it out in time, certainly others have. Is that just a me thing - thinking I am unworthy of blessings? (I know what you're thinking, I'm the one putting God at an arm's length, hindsight 20/20)
But I was having a hard time feeling happiness and joy. It was as if I dug a hole and stood content only seeing that hole. Not only that, but I added in despair, anger, impatience, jealousy and other crap and sat in it like they were my new best friends. Heck, many of you dear friends would probably pat me on the back and be all kinds of understanding even when it smelled like poo, but I also appreciate those who offered hope, even if seemingly limited.
Because the thing is, even though my situation hasn't changed, my mind and heart has. Yes, I still have those moments of "if I linger here just a little longer I'm going to be swimming in sheeat" - wallowing in self pity is definitely a downward spiral. But the weight has been lifted. I don't have a better way of explaining it than the fact that I just have hope in a better future. My energy is no longer drained from stress and worry. A little bit of that anger has dissipated. Working some has been a part of that, which was also a blessing and essential to that bigger picture that exists out there.
Prayer can be tricky for me sometimes. Because there is this agency vs the power of God of which I don't have a complete understanding. How do I reconcile unanswered prayers? I don't feel like God is always waiting for us to knock in order to move mountains. Certainly it plays a part. But prayer isn't just a way to make requests. However, it is always a way to gain strength - so that we can move mountains. On Sunday the teacher used the metaphor of an extension cord for that very reason, and I related to that. God isn't even waiting for us to complete x y & z. Trying to make righteous decisions puts us in the mindset that can feel the Spirit, whether that is to be guided or to be uplifted. And whether hard times are self inflicted or not, they are always opportunities for us to draw closer to the Lord.
"No pain that we suffer, no trial that we experience is wasted. It ministers to our education, to the development of such qualities as patience, faith, fortitude and humility. All that we suffer and all that we endure, especially when we endure it patiently, builds up our characters, purifies our hearts, expands our souls, and makes us more tender and charitable, more worthy to be called the children of God…and it is through sorrow and suffering, toil and tribulation, that we gain the education that we came here to acquire and which will make us more like our Father and Mother in heaven."
--Orson F Whitney
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