Lasting Relationships: Kindness & Generosity

I wrote this quote in my scriptures by Mosiah 2:17 from Elder Robert Whetten of the Seventy:

"Every unselfish act of kindness and service increases your spirituality. God would use you to bless others. Your continued spiritual growth and eternal progress are very much wrapped up in your relationships--in how you treat others. Do you indeed love others and become a blessing in their lives? Isn't the measure of the level of your conversion how you treat others? The person who does only those things in the Church that concern himself alone will never reach the goal of perfection. Service to others is what the gospel and exalted life are all about."

I posted a link to an article on Facebook this past week. Every word made sense to me. And not just about marriage, but all relationships we experience in this life.  "Of all the people who get married, only three in ten remain in a healthy, happy marriage" That isn't saying 7 end in divorce, but to me, you might as well be if you're unhappy and stagnant in your marriage. I am the type of person who believes in growth and improvement. I believe in being refined (not that I'm great at it). I believe a happy marriage is essential for a happy home.

"I am asking that we look a little deeper for the good, that we still voices of insult and sarcasm, that we more generously compliment virtue and effort. I am not asking that all criticism be silenced. Growth comes of correction. Strength comes of repentance. Wise is the man who can acknowledge mistakes pointed out by others and change his course."

- Gordon B Hinkley

So how do we keep it up? I have voiced my concerns on more than one occasion of the complacency that can happen within the first few years of marriage and especially when little ruggrats take control of our time and energy. Life happens and we are asked to deal with things that test our reactions. I can see the effort on both our sides diminish and I find myself standing here slightly deflated. I don't want to see the end to realize what I could have done differently. We are creatures of habit so once the snowball starts you have to buck down deep and perhaps even knock down a few walls before you can start the climb back up. 

"Throughout the day, partners would make requests for connection, what Gottman calls “bids.” For example, say that the husband is a bird enthusiast and notices a goldfinch fly across the yard. He might say to his wife, “Look at that beautiful bird outside!” He’s not just commenting on the bird here: he’s requesting a response from his wife — a sign of interest or support — hoping they’ll connect, however momentarily, over the bird. The wife now has a choice. She can respond by either “turning toward” or “turning away” from her husband, as Gottman puts it."

"Much of it comes down to the spirit couples bring to the relationship. Do they bring kindness and generosity; or contempt, criticism, and hostility?" … “There’s a habit of mind that the masters have,” Gottman explained in an interview, “which is this: they are scanning social environment for things they can appreciate and say thank you for. They are building this culture of respect and appreciation very purposefully. Disasters are scanning the social environment for partners’ mistakes.”

"People who give their partner the cold shoulder — deliberately ignoring the partner or responding minimally — damage the relationship by making their partner feel worthless and invisible, as if they’re not there, not valued. And people who treat their partners with contempt and criticize them not only kill the love in the relationship, but they also kill their partner's ability to fight off viruses and cancers. Being mean is the death knell of relationships. Kindness, on the other hand, glues couples together. Research independent from theirs has shown that kindness (along with emotional stability) is the most important predictor of satisfaction and stability in a marriage. Kindness makes each partner feel cared for, understood, and validated—feel loved.You can think about it as a fixed trait: either you have it or you don’t. Or you could think of kindness as a muscle.

Tell me I'm wrong, but I tend to think women, or those who are more feeling centered, recognize the snowball forming first.  At least I need emotional and spiritual support and ask for it before Mr Smith does or ever will. It isn't needy. It isn't weakness. Christ was the only one who could shoulder everything. And I feel like He has told us the best way to carry our stresses, and worries, and heartache, is to "bear ye one another's burdens, and so fulfill the law of Christ." Galatians 6:2 "…and are willing to bear one another's burdens, that they may be light; Yea and are willing to mourn with those that mourn; comfort those that stand in need of comfort…" Mosiah 18: 8-9

We are not relieved of our burdens for they are to refine us. They are to sculpt us into perfected beings, for how else can we truly have charity? We would no not how to love otherwise. But we were not meant to do it alone.

“If your partner expresses a need,” explained Julie Gottman, “and you are tired, stressed, or distracted, then the generous spirit comes in when a partner makes a bid, and you still turn toward your partner.” “Disasters will say things differently in a fight. Disasters will say ‘You’re late. What’s wrong with you? You’re just like your mom.’ Masters will say ‘I feel bad for picking on you about your lateness, and I know it’s not your fault, but it’s really annoying that you’re late again.’” 

I will spend my life learning patience and selflessness, but we all will. We make life harder for others when we are the constant takers of kindness and generosity. It is hard when you feel like you are giving and never receiving. That's not God's plan. So to those who feel down because there is no shoulder to lean on, my heart goes out to you. Unfortunately, you are not alone and Christ has carried one too many lonely hearts. We can do better to reach out and uplift. We can do better to pay it forward and not look back. We can do better to ask Christ for strength to keep trying.