It's Hard

It's hard. I'm never one to sugar coat anything. 

Alas, most everyone knows this about me and some wish I would just a little, but I can't. I don't deceive. I blogged about "fake" people many-a-times in my single days. I've never had the energy to hide what I'm feeling. And sometimes that's a personality con, but at least people know they can count on an honest and straight-forward answer from me and you can tell it's refreshing to some. Sometimes I'm silent, and that's me trying to be nice. Along with being a little frank, I don't judge people with absolute stamps like Mr Smith does. I have my opinion, but I know it's just that. I don't expect people to hop in my boat and I'm never offended when they don't. I'm just me - willing to admit when I don't know things and willing to call you out when you've gone overboard. And I expect to be friends with you, whoever you are. Obviously the goal is to be a good influence and ultimately bring us closer to Christ, who makes us better, but for the most part we are two people trying to figure out our worlds, which hopefully are different. Otherwise, we would just be unchallenged and therefore dead of growth. I like to grow in my relationships. Sometimes I like to be validated in my decisions, but who wants someone that agrees with everything you say and do? Very obnoxious. But that's just how I see it.

I know the goal is to become one. I'm not positive how that is supposed to happen. Maybe it has to do with using our differences to teach each other and lift each other. But how do you do that with people who always think their way is the best way? Maybe we just shouldn't ask their opinions. And they shouldn't share them unless we ask. But that's impossible with close friends & family, especially with your spouse (at least it should be). So maybe we should just say "I think this is a good idea" and people like my brother and husband will give you 50 reasons why you should question your opinion. Either way, I do appreciate it. Even if I'm initially upset because being challenged and growing isn't easy and we as humans HATE when we feel we're the only ones who don't know something. But the first mistake we make is thinking we know everything. (we grow when we validate truths we know, and we grow when we learn something new)

So that's basically how I sit with God, the Father of my spirit. I feel like I know what I want. And I feel like it's reasonable to have it. But what should I be learning during this limbo period? Or probably more correctly said, what am I not learning? Where is my hope? Where is my faith? Do I feel entitled? Me, miss independent, what am I entitled to? My theme of this year repeated in my mind and heart is that our mansions are in heaven. Pres Monson briefly mentioned that statement at conference. My Creator knows what I need to experience in order to become my better self. I want to accept that relationship; I want to trust I'm in the right place. I thought it was pretty frank when my husband lost his job. I've been on the other side trying to accept, battling this urge to argue. But in so many ways, I need to let it go and thrive where God places me. I guess I just fear we placed ourselves here and God had nothing to do with it. But that's foolish, isn't it? Maybe if we were unholy and foolish people I might assume that. But we aren't. Deep down I know we aren't. It's comforting to hear it's going to be okay, but immediately I just want to be like BUT HOW DO YOU KNOW?!

So it's hard. Doable. Liveable. Workoutable. But it's hard because it's confusing and I don't have the answers. It's hard because I have to give up some control. It's hard because we don't see the end from the beginning. It's hard because it isn't what I want in the way I want it. It's hard because we need to have a positive and healthy attitude even with all of the above. And that's the honest truth.