A Forever Family

If I die tomorrow, in my melodramatic sick woes that generate nightmarish daydreams, I almost immediately and exclusively think of Alexis.

I think about how much I would miss raising her here on earth. I think of selfish things like me not being part of her life, because I'm her mom and I want her to know how awesome I am, simply because I'm her mom and love her. I may not understand love completely, but whatever I have to give, it's all hers for the taking. I want her to know what I was like when I was younger, how I met her father, my thoughts during pregnancy and delivery. I want her to see that she is my current world and I am hers. And therefore, I want the rights of teaching her to associate items with words, who Jesus is, and how to make music. I want to hold her hand on the sidewalk and be the person she runs to when she discovers something new. I want to clean up the knee scrapes and spaghetti sauce. I want to help with homework and make her eat vegetables. I might always be petrified at the idea of her driving or going on her first date, but I want to be there. I want to look into her grown up kid face and see my little one year old who laughs when I tickle her feet or chin - the one who I chase around the ottoman.

Parenthood is freakin amazing. I want to be there. And I don't want someone taking my place. I'm not giving up my job, ever. If by some miracle, Mr Smith found someone else who would marry him, I would haunt her and him if she was not perfect for Alexis. No mother is perfect, but every child deserves a mother who wants to strengthen, comfort and teach them with their whole heart & mind. 

Sometimes we think about what we would miss if we were not there and oftentimes they are the things we whine about doing every day. In our hearts we know we would do the crap work forever if it meant we could have just a little more time with them. Doesn't it seem precious, this thing called time? Goodness knows I'd want a few more kisses, hugs & laughs. It would be hard to let go. The only thing that helps me sleep at night is knowing we are all sealed together as a family forever. And then I just pray to remain worthy of that in my thoughts and actions.

So when I get frustrated, I try to remember that. I would clean it all up again if it meant just one more hug & kiss. I would let her pinch and pull on me if it meant just one more laugh and giggle.

And as for Mr Smith and I, well, we can't afford to do it alone. We better die like the Notebook.