Selfish

I always feel obligated to explain myself. This can be a good trait within teamwork or friendship, but it's almost more annoying. I wish I was just better at explaining myself the first time. It also means I care what people think. I'd rather be that person who can just walk away still content with herself. But I can't let things go, not until I explain it. I want to be true to myself, always. I avoid contention, but if it stems from complete understanding & honesty, I can accept it. I think it's one of the reasons I enjoyed blogging so much. But even then, I forget I'm not a stand still type of person. I don't just fit in one box. As much as I'd like to categorize my actions or thoughts, they might change even when the same scenario is repeated again. I drive my own self nuts. I'm slowly giving up the chase. It's pointless really. Life is better when you except that you are dynamic - that you can improve upon the bad and even the good. {this is starting to sound like a continuation from my previous post "change"}

But that whole train of thought stemmed from thinking back to my college days. I remembered struggling with this concept of selfishness. As in, if there was ever a time in my life where it was "kind of" okay to be selfish, it was when I was living on my own, choosing my own education and career path, choosing who I wanted to spend time with, date, (we can question the latter later) etc… I felt like everyone was saying it's okay to be choosy, picky, to find yourself and make decisions for me. Obviously I was a confused little gal and interpreted some selfishness into the merry bliss of college life.  I don't think we can ever afford to be truly selfish, but I get why I was confused. I think we need to make good decisions for ourselves, but that doesn't mean we ignore the feelings of others or disregard service altogether (because that's when we really find ourselves right??). I don't think I learned the lesson right away though. I distanced myself from family, friends and/or roommates and men at times because I was more important. I was so busy finding myself that instead of focusing on others, I put myself first in many instances. I was naive. I did things based on what I could gain. Goodness I sound evil, but it was more subtle than that.

I felt like by the time I realized how many people had come in and out of my life and how there was a purpose to meeting them and how all of them had something to offer, it was a little late. I'm not counting the burned bridges or anything in my life. I felt like I did something right to find Mr Smith and have Ms Lexi, but I think I would go back and do things differently. I think that also comes from just growing up. A lot of us would roll our eyes at our 20 year old selves. There is no point in going back, and even trying to "advise" the next generation is a little optimistic. So I guess I am simply just explaining myself. Turns out, I think I explain myself so that I come to understand a little bit better too.

I think it's when we find ourselves without friends and family that we value those things differently. It's when you have too much time to yourself that you realize you want to be with someone else. And when that someone else comes along (assuming we're not still so selfish), I guess we're hoping we're that person we always wanted to be (as if there is an end all). We were so choosey before. We'd like to think we made the right choices. And those choices carry into your marriage. It's silly to think marriage changes any of those previous choices.

But like I said, we're dynamic people. Am I still selfish?