Integrity & Virtue

I really just wanted to nap. But I'm having one of those moments where my mind won't let me. So, I do what helps me best, I write it down.

I'm one of those people who struggle to say exactly what they mean the first time. I don't always finish thoughts or connect ideas, which is why instead of pushing myself to get better at communication, I just keep my mouth shut when possible (Mr Smith does not apply here). However, every now and then I'm given opportunities to open my mouth and I know I need to speak up - even when I feel like I sound foolish. I should depend on God more often to filter my words before they hit the ears of others, and when it counts, I really hope he does. I quickly realize my wisdom is nothing in comparison. 

I think I should speak up even when being silent is easier. The older I get, the more I fear the effects of silence. The kind of silence that portrays indifference which feeds acceptance shaded by tolerance but it simply accepts sin. Silence can help us understand. Silence can help us find the right words. It has a place. But along this road we call life, being great is hard and being a disciple of Christ is harder. Greatness needs a voice. Sin needs silence. It's subtle but quickly becomes suffocating.

Senior photo 2006

I've always been that annoying curve setter who suffered from the oldest child syndrome of perfection. I liked quantifiable objectives, guidelines and results. I like rules. I like structure. And being Christian narrowed by being a Mormon, I had all of the above. For me, rules did make life easier. I wanted to be "perfect" and I knew exactly how to be. However, I never really pondered over the why. Logically, the guidelines, rules, the whats and the what nots all made sense to me. They felt right, so I did them. And that sustained me. Life seemed black and white for a time.

I think a few years into college and then that day I stepped out of school and into the "real world", the identity crisis hit as I often felt alone and overwhelmed. It was then, when I was coming into who I wanted to be, where I really understood what the grey area felt like.

In a way, the older I become, the less disciplined I feel. Looking back, I felt like I placed myself on a pretty tall pedestal. Proudly, I was afraid to fall, but slightly envious of those who seemed so much more relaxed and unscathed; well, until they found themselves kicked out, addicted or single and pregnant. Everyone recognizes the consequence of sin then. However, most things are hidden. {Like the guilt. The loss of spirit. The depression. The loneliness. The lack of purpose.} But I didn't understand those yet. I was depending on what I had been taught my entire life and what I knew to be true, and Satan knew I would. So he showed me some grey.

It became a comparison game, and no longer with just myself. Satan wanted me to compare myself. He wanted me to think you are so far from the line, don't even worry about crossing the big bold red one. So, it was okay to test the waters. Enjoy the yellow lines, they are small. You are strong. Everyone else is doing the same. Maybe your standards are too high - just follow along. 

I was lucky, but mostly blessed. I quickly learned why there are lines. I quickly realized how easily I could get to that big bold red line. I slowly realized it doesn't matter what everyone else is or was doing. Instead of listing off the rules, I had to ask myself why they were so important to me. I had to ask myself who I wanted to become. I had to ask myself when I truly felt happy and at peace. When did I feel most confident? And I had to ask for forgiveness and remember how to get back.

Words like integrity and virtue replaced "don't lie" and "don't rush intimacy"

It was more about becoming than not doing

and that made all the difference.

Because there are many ways to become a person of integrity and virtue. And whatever takes you away from those things, destroys your soul, even if it's just a chip off the marble. We create grey areas for many reasons... to avoid confrontation, laziness, impatience… but we know what feels right. We know when we're making excuses. And do you know what those excuses do to you? They make you weak.

We've become a society that cannot delay gratification. The majority struggles to control their physical appetites. The sin of physical abuse is destroying the soul and is making us dull to the spirit. We are losing the spirit; this blessed gift that helps us navigate a world dominated by temporary happiness.

That is what abstinence prevents. It strengthens your mind and your soul and allows for self control & lasting happiness. The effects of alcohol and tobacco are well known destroyers. But even something like refraining from coffee and tea is misunderstood. Fasting is only seen as self torture. Sexual abstinence is only mocked. Chastity before marriage and complete fidelity within marriage is merely a lofty idea. Flaunt your body, flaunt your fame, because we live in a society thirsting for attention and flattery. Commitment creates fear. Discipline and respect are forgotten. Raising children is inconvenient. Cheating is common place. Do we even know what sacrifice & self control are anymore? Who are we trying to prove ourselves to?

I want my children to remember where their strength comes from. And not to be ashamed and silent for what they believe in their hearts to be true. We easily forget that we came to this earth with a purpose, far greater than anything the world can offer. Whose side are we on? Because either way, there is strength in numbers. But the righteous will always win.