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A Nursing Story - Women Only

41 weeks pregnant {+42 lbs}
9 weeks after birth {-45 lbs}
And some might hate me, but all I did was breastfeed & walk up & down three flights of stairs to our apartment when I was forced to. I was lucky. However, it still wasn't easy. And my pregnancy gave me major stretch marks, so to each his own body. And Mr Smith still likes to poke my jiggly belly. 

So, as I have mentioned before, I could dedicate an entire post to breastfeeding, most likely to help me remember & to help those, who might be going through it for the first time, know you're not alone. For the select few, it's natural & easy. For all those like me, it was the hardest thing about the first month of Lexi's life (a major part of my baby blues), but I told myself I would do it. For all those other things I quit when it got hard, I was going to see this through. 

Why? My baby & my body allowed me to nurse, and for that I was grateful. I always thought breastfeeding was weird, but our bodies were made to do it. Through all the pain, I knew I was lucky (which sometimes made me feel worse for whining).  I knew it was the better thing for her health. I was worried about how expensive formula was & it was more to research & understand. I knew although my breasts might be ruined forever, it might be the only way I'd lose the baby weight. Even though it was painful, it was also convenient. And if you said no in the beginning, you couldn't change your mind later because your milk supply won't be there.

Whether or not she'll have a higher IQ, whether or not she has a better immune system, whether or not we bonded better, whether or not tons of money was saved, whether or not I can assume she is getting everything she needs, whether or not I lost all the baby weight - it's honestly all I knew I could do. To be honest, we just didn't have formula to fall back on when I wanted to give up at night. And when she wanted food - she wanted food (which was basically e-v-e-r-y second). I guess by not buying formula, I made myself think there was no other option. I could have pumped, which I did, but they just make you all paranoid about giving bottles until they get the hang of nursing (if you are going to nurse). So I just froze most everything I pumped dreaming of the day when she would only need the bottle - when I could stop nursing. I wasn't part of the breastfeeding la-la group. In my mind, it was always more of a chore & I knew I would celebrate the day I wouldn't be nursing anymore. I'm that person.

Mr Smith was . . . supportive. But I think mostly because it saved us money. Multiple times he would say we can just give her formula, but I think he just wanted to let me know I didn't have to be in pain. 

Honestly, I think what was most frustrating was all these articles I read about "how to nurse properly." I thought I had to do it one exact way. I kept asking myself what I was doing wrong. "they need to be in this position, latch on in this way & yada yada yada" Well, she didn't do it by the book. She fussed all the time, she couldn't handle let down, and every time I turned around she was hungry, which makes you very very sore & tired & frustrated. I swear it seemed like one day she just got it. She was finally sucking by the book & the position was just whatever was natural for us. That one day didn't come until about one month into it. I think we toughen up by then a little too. You'll read where everything should be great by 2 weeks. Don't set yourself to a standard; it just makes you more frustrated. I can't even believe that I'm able to tell you that I have a hard time remembering the pain; I just remember that I had it. Instead of sucking she would bite. And I was so so sore, but I didn't even bleed & I was hardly cracked. She never got thrush. I think what saved me was a thing of lanolin (one was plenty for me) & a set or two of those gel pads. Nursing bras became too much for me & I pretty much just went around in a tank top & nursing pads. Luckily, I have a small chest & can get away with that easier.

Nursing with a cover in front of anyone else was an issue in the first month too and even beyond because she gagged a lot. She just made big messes so I was more comfortable in my own space. It's a blessing now that she has gotten so much better because she still can't go more than 2 hours without wanting to eat & I want a life outside my own home. Some people never use a bottle, but I prefer them when we're out. However, she now struggles with a bottle due to a certain nipple preference.  We probably should have insisted on it sooner, but she will take it if she is hungry enough. Since I don't have to go back to work, it's just more of an inconvenience.

Today, I thought I would be done with the nursing pads, but at just over 3 months, I still need them. I don't go through as many, but I'm finishing up my 7th box. I still get engorged after about 5-6 hours of not nursing at night (but lucky for me I never get that much straight sleep =X). Engorgement was also a blessing in disguise in the beginning because it made me want to nurse & in that way, nursing finally became some sort of relief.

After a month or two into it, then spit up becomes part of the milky mess. You'll still feel like milk and spit up & drool by 10 AM if not sooner. But by now, you've learned to accept it & enjoy it. Because now, you're not just a milkmaid. You're a beautiful mother, admired and loved by this sweet spirit that you stopped calling piranha. It does come. Everyone will tell you it gets better. And they'll tell you the week it gets better. Ignore whatever week they tell you. Just try to get through the day & just know there is a silver lining. I'm not sure why it's so difficult, but I know through it all, you come out stronger. Regardless of whether or not you choose to breastfeed or can breastfeed. Just being a mom is tough work, but the most rewarding and the most important work. It's part of our purpose. I get that now.

For me, I'm grateful I stuck with it. I'm grateful it got 10xs easier. I'm grateful for every day that I can continue to breastfeed. It may end next month, who knows. But my goal is 6 months & if I can go up to a year, even better. I know some people hesitate on switching to solids as soon as they can just because a whole new set of effort & difficulty comes with that, but we're excited to see her grow & taste new things. (well besides what her father has already let her taste...)


Comments

  1. and a smokin hotty! I took a post pic at I think 2 weeks. Maybe I'll be brave enough to post it :)

    ReplyDelete

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