Going from This to That

i look like ive just battled a mountain lion.

through  the spilled milk, tears, exhaustion & lack of personal care

i look like a big fat mess who still hasnt eaten today so my breaking point is soon.

that is what i said yesterday

now add more tears & feelings of inadequacy and i bring you to today.

the title could easily be "why didn't you tell me" or "how come no one talks about this"

maybe since my pregnancy & labor were good (as good as it can get), the postpartum part hit me harder. I get why those affected keep it to themselves. I don't like admitting what I struggle with. & who wants to be so negative when it comes to such a positive blessing.

the baby. you dreamed of that moment. you've prayed she'd be healthy and you've pictured her in your mind. now she's here and that first week is almost a blur. you do understand what disturbed sleep means. people told you about that. and you've probably cried a couple of times over nursing; people told you you'll want to give up. and this is where it began for me, but it didnt hit me until that second week.

the first night she wanted constant feeding & wanted to stay up all night was very trying for me. i was exhausted. but all you ever hear is how wonderful & blessed you are. I certainly don't want to complain about having a perfectly healthy baby girl. I always wanted this. I just didn't understand the kind of energy & patience it would take.

"they say" your baby just wants to be close to you. feed them whenever they want because it helps sustain your milk supply. once your milk comes in it won't be as difficult. follow these steps for latch on & breastfeeding shouldn't hurt.

well it did and does. i decided i wanted to nurse & when Alexis latched on so well at the hospital, I decided then and there that I owed it to her to try. but once you get home from the hospital, you realize you're so sore. your nipples are now super sensitive to the latching pitfalls & your milk comes in so everything is sore. breastfeeding has become a very trying & discouraging & frustrating experience. And you can't sleep & the feeding doesn't stop. She eats more than ever in fact. she kicks, throws her hands in her face, you're dripping milk, a large mouth quickly becomes bite size  & you feel like all hope is lost.

so that's the breastfeeding aspect. sometimes it goes well, but most times i still fear feeding.

the part that no one talks about is the negative emotions. I cried when I first heard Alexis cry & held her in my arms. I was so excited, relieved & happy. but those three emotions soon wained. again, everyone said this was supposed to be one of the best moments in your life. it's wonderful. it's unconditional love.

Whether it's the hormones, the breastfeeding stress, the lack of sleep, the broken expectations or a little of everything - I struggle to enjoy my child. All you do is sleep & feed. They did say you just need to survive the first 2 weeks & not try & do anything else. I don't think I realized how depressing that would be for me. They call it the baby blues. I now have to fight to find energy to move on from that. To care about getting out and talking to other people. Shoot, it's a struggle to brush my teeth before noon. It's a struggle to see my stomach as it is. It's a struggle to see Eric so attached & me too willing to walk away.  I've cried too many times & cursed one too many times. I don't want my child to feel my stress. I want her to know I love her. But I never once thought I'd have to understand that love.

there is a light at the end, I know it. but I just felt like I needed to write out some of what I am struggling with. to me, writing is a release. it allows me to move on. i'm excited for Alexis to grow & for us to become closer. The newborn phase is just hard. I respect mothers so much more now that I understand what some of the "hard" means. Especially those that do struggle and keep it to themselves. I hate that I vent to Eric. He is a saint. And he tries so hard to help out where he can, but sometimes his love makes it even harder. I gave her to him one 4 AM morning & said take her before I hurt her. I want to be stronger, but I don't like bottling it up inside. sometimes I need to cry to move on. because i can easily feel bad for thinking i'm a horrible, impatient mother.

{the 2nd night in the hospital is harder than the first. expect it. growth spurts will make you think you're doing something wrong. expect it. use a bottle & pacifier earlier than planned. expect it. she won't like the pacifier. expect it. you'll say you can't do this at least once. expect it}

i hope this helps someone else feel more normal. sometimes it helps to feel normal.

PS - with reference to blogging or anything else I use to think like this: "you're at home all day, how do you not have time?" - I was a fool