Perhaps I'm ready to begin again, again. I struggle to add more words to the universe & I feel the same with photos. I let two of my passions die, both rather abruptly. My posts used to write themselves, I felt so guided in what God needed me to say. But this past year, my words have been removed. I moved from this blog over to Instagram as a better place to connect, but then everything became a distraction, and even the good distractions soon became too overwhelming. I can't possibly do every craft or recipe I've saved at this point. Unfortunately, I became painfully aware of my addictive attachment to my algorithm & lost much of my peace & productivity because of it. Satan knew, but I was too slow to recognize complacency & emptiness disguised as creative options & worldly debates.
"The days are gone that you can be a quiet and comfortable Christian." I am definitely not raising quiet Christians, but perhaps we are still trying to be too comfortable. That phrase has stayed with me since Pres Nelson mentioned it years ago. I've tried to be less concerned over my comforts since then, but of course I still fall short in really wanting more time & financial means spent on a second shower or a properly tiled first one & I still really doubt my ability to serve at times. You hear these phrases more these days: "know your limits" & "set better boundaries" & boy do we love our boundaries, but here is the kicker too, I don't want to be held back by my own limitations, comforts & desires. If I believe God exists, that I'm here to find Jesus in heartache & trial, that I'm surrounded by people that I can lift & strengthen, that I'm here to grow myself in His grace... if I really believe all that... then why am I so worried about limiting myself & boxing in those around me? I'm so busy questioning what doesn't make sense to my eyes or whining about what I want, that I'm not experiencing the growth that comes despite any of my wishes & preferences or our mistakes & shortcomings.
I've given up a good deal. We have experienced some heartache & struggle, but to what end? Have I been sufficiently humbled? Have I given up my will for His? Whose errand am I on every day? What evidence is being left in my daily life that reflects my priorities? "To whom or what am I giving my life?"
We had a prophet that passed away today, at 101. I loved my childhood prophet Gorden B Hinkley - his "9 ways to be" were the best. I loved listening to Pre Monson's stories every general conference; he could always make me laugh! Pres Nelson ushered in the decade of stronger temple covenants, and his admonition to commit to the temple blessed one of my hardest years in a way I never would've realized had I not finally listened & acted.
His talk in Oct 2018 was specific to us sisters & gave 4 admonitions, which I did my best to follow; one specifically was to set a pattern of regular temple attendance. By April 2019, after a whirlwind of intense work stress, my husband was offered a layoff package amid awaited admin changes shortly after moving to ID for that job. We started attending the temple even more & Mr Smith began an intense religious book collection. That summer we found out we were pregnant with baby #4 and still jobless. People asked me how I was so at peace, and I said it was God, that I'm trying to remember how He always had a plan before & He would this time too. 7 months later, one year after that talk, Mr Smith accepted an offer in skilled nursing administration. We were excited, but his days at work became long & arduous (it was like all or nothing for a long time!)
I started to develop a lump in my thyroid nodule without realizing it exactly. My ministering sister went through a scare just before this, so I reached out to her for advice. Now she was comforting me. I felt prompted to take it seriously just before Emma was born, at the beginning of 2020. I had the US & I was told it was unusual, but no one mentioned cancer then. I felt inspired to move up my biopsy appointment when my MIL was still in town; they had a cancellation & squeezed me in. Covid shut everything down the following week. I got the best surgeon with the best outcome, not because I didn't have to push for it & get stuff done, but because God opened doors to manage all the details. I was sad about needing the radiation pill only because I wanted to nurse my newborn, but God even gave me 6 months of that. I felt at peace with everything from the moment the prophet gave me a plan to see miracles in my life. I started attending the temple regularly & I read the Book of Mormon in 3 months like he encouraged & the promises followed. His talk the conference before that shared his infamous quote about doing what we need to do to have the spirit in our lives also shared this:
"Nothing opens the heavens quite like the combination of increased purity, exact obedience, earnest seeking, daily feasting on the words of Christ in the Book of Mormon, and regular time committed to temple and family history work."
Our lives did not get any easier. I quit my part-time job from home & started homeschooling with 4 young kids at home end of 2020. We later moved to rural MT with a lot of hope, perhaps in men & worldly endeavors & that hope was dashed in 2022 with what felt like stabs in the back cutting us from the financial security that moved us here. We just bought our first house and were expecting baby #5 in 3 months. But God proved us & showed me he wanted us here with how his job offer happened with the VA. It was again an emotional whirlwind, but a plan was already in place.
I had to spend my first 3 weeks postpartum in the pediatric unit with Micah attached to his pic line. Were there angels in our lives then? Absolutely. Did we have all the answers? No. I didn't reconcile all my emotions at the time, it was perhaps the only time in our 11 years of marriage that Mr Smith actually felt bad for me, but I was a bit in shock. I almost lost my son & had to reconcile if I had any part in it or worse, if I could let him go if it was God's will. I struggled when Mr Smith spoke so frankly about God's will; this was our son & I felt like he was too quick to say it's ok. I wasn't sure this was a sacrifice I could live through. And then I had to reconcile why I got the miracle I wanted, when others didn't. Mr Smith's start date was the day after we got home from the hospital; they didn't know, but God did.
Oh man - we know joy because we've felt sorrow! I can give grace because I have needed it in the depths of my despair. Our house still needs a lot of work, but I finally have a place to call home. My kids are in & out of homeschool as we please. We are finding so many things to enjoy & people to enjoy them with. We are blessed beyond measure, just getting older. However, the world is filled with Satan's lies getting stronger, getting prouder. When I want to shut down & just focus on my family in the present, I'm reminded that it's not just about us.
We are not here by happenstance, to pleasure only our fancies in the moment. We are part of something much greater, established in our pre-existent state. BUT GOD SAW MORE IN US. AND HE CAN MAKE MORE OUT OF US. If we but let Him. It starts with a willing heart. That's all we can truly give. A prayer asking, whose am I? And what will ye have me do? We are only limiting ourselves when we deny His power. He grants us access through Jesus Christ. We are fools on our own, still capable & blessed, but lacking, nonetheless. It's simple, but it requires faith in what we cannot remember & cannot yet see. We aren't going to make sense of it all, but that's the true beauty - He already overcame all our mistakes - so all we have to do is try. There is a plan for that.
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