It's Monday night. Usually family night. But really we fall apart on the bed because it's Monday and we already want to forget about it. But my mother-in-law cooks for us most Monday nights because she babysits all afternoon while I work so WHY NOT DO DINNER TOO? All this to say, I didn't have to cook or clean, but I'm still lazy. Lazy enough that we fight over who has to wipe Lexi's butt AND the toilet seat. Here is why I win the argument and do NOT have to:
1. I didn't put her on the toilet AFTER she had already popped
2. I'm editing photos and technically WORKING still
3. I had all morning to wipe butts
And that's enough. I totally win, yet I'm the one wiping her butt because apparently that's not a father thing. I forgot to brush her teeth (I'm the only one who ever remembers) but he did put her to bed. He said he'll do bedtime as long as I wipe butts. What? That is totally not a good trade! Bedtime is the best! Alas, this is parenthood. #poopybutts
However, to note, one day I should record her nightly prayers. They're just the cutest thing. So far they have involved "Father" "thank you... 'for this day' 'grandma smiths house' 'church' 'don't hit mae-mae' 'temple' 'mommy' 'daddy' 'mae-mae' 'laura and danny' 'gammy' 'grandpa' 'outside' in the name of __Christ. Amen. We are working on pronouncing full sentences, but it's still really cute, half of which we understand, but the fact that she kneels with arms folded and talks to Heavenly Father is all we could ever ask for.
Today I realized the fridge is not functioning, but that was after two days of partly warm milk in my cereal and I didn't even catch on. I mean I'm just not sure I trust myself anymore. And maybe Mr Smith was right and I'm losing my mind. We knew the freezer was acting a fool and I was blamed for shoving too much into an already tiny freezer. But really who puts vents in a freezer at the very bottom!?! Ugh. So instead of grocery shopping today, we're already onto Plan B. Actually, I'm pretty sure that was plan X, but whatever. I would have said Y, but locking my keys in the car while in the parking lot definitely makes the cut for Y. Why would I lay them next to the car seat instead of in my pockets? I don't know. Yes, it's official, I'm losing my mind.
I think Plan Z would have been locking my child in the car too. I did NOT do that. Luckily we have a spare house key to get to the spare car key and my brother saved us. And instead of buying $20 in groceries, I bought ice and granola bars.
I thought about how a great mom would just solve her own problems and not bother the dutiful dad at work, but immediately I call to inform him of the problem, not a resolution, just in panic about the problem. Later I realized if I want to be an awesome mom, I'm going to have to just take care of things on my own, real things, the things I wouldn't choose to handle ever by just solving the problem on my own. Like googling anything about fixing refrigerators and moving it from tight spaces to unplug it etc... I'm totally that whiney wife who is all "honey, this will be waiting for you when you get home".
I'm grateful that I'm in a relationship where I can delegate. I know he appreciates it. But in all honesty, I do a lot of other great, supportive things that are overlooked so it's okay.
UPDATE: not on the fridge, but on the sleeping situation. (now that I think about it, I might place some of this lost mind on my irregular sleep), the crib wall is back up. No more big girl bed. She still cried out multiple times in the night. We might be reverting back to the ear plug days, but man, I'm doing what it takes to feel alive again.
I am grateful to know you. I'm grateful to be part of your privileged class. I understand this privilege came at great cost. But I am grateful for my innocent childhood that protected me and instilled in me the idea that I could be anything I wanted to be. I could go to school. I could work. I could travel. I could leave. I could speak out. I enjoyed good healthcare. I enjoyed nice neighbors. I enjoyed vacations and extra things. I had a great home where my parents could teach me what they believed. I was free to live my religion. I was free to live within the laws that protected me.
Unfortunately, I'm not so sure about that anymore. I am still privileged. I am still grateful to live in America. There definitely is no other place like it. And I definitely still think we have the most comfortable way of living, relatively speaking, and now I believe that will ruin us. Perhaps our country is fighting for new rights, rights that I think might backfire under socialism. Some people don't feel completely free, but I'm not sure what completely free should look like. Hopefully it's not a guilt of conscience, but perhaps fear of anothers' judgment and that judgment is limiting. Some individuals feel trapped, and most likely they are due to the struggles of their parents or the rash decisions in their youth, and no I don't think that is fair, but unfortunately, the government has made itself the insufficient cure. Others just need to be heard. I think Americans are forgetting what it means to be independent though. However, for me, independence was aways obtainable (this idea that I could come and go without excuses weighing me down). I don't know what it's like to be so distracted in my temporal needs that I could not even conceptualize what a better life was. So really, my thoughts cannot supersede your thoughts, only throw more words at an already dense fallible outlet.
We cannot accept people without also participating in what they choose to do. By not participating, we are stating that we disrespect them. It seems blatantly disagreeable, yet apparently that's the new order, which doesn't lend much to independence. Policy is disagreeable (and always will be to someone), but it's a social distraction. In reality, the economy is bubbling again and worldwide we are seeing crashes, and I think America is in for a rude awakening. We think the issue is large, but I think sooner than later we will see that our perspective is limited to the Facebook newsfeed. What really matters is our moral standing and our temporal well-being. If your home // your heart // your stewardship, is not in order mentally or physically, then what is the point in all the bickering? In reality, we cannot be free to make choices and be free to choose the consequences too. The day you give up your independence, is the day America no longer exists.
|waiting for bubbles|
By identifying what privilege is, we are facilitating that bias for generations to come. However, we can all be grateful for our experiences in life and fight to open doors for those whose lives we influence. e.v.e.r.y soul is worth it no matter what kind of battles they're fighting.
So this picture probably wins for best picture of the month. In part because she got in trouble, but I told her not to move so I could get the camera. When it was sunscreen not in the tub, I actually reacted and was frustrated. But since this was cheap shampoo in the tub, I figured it was worth the cute photo. She just happened to match for once so it was a little disappointing to have a wardrobe change so soon in the day. But that is how we roll.
I saw a thing on Facebook that gave captions to why their children were so upset. Here is mine for this one: "Her cousin didn't want to wear her mask too"
She enjoys the water park (I hear her voice when it comes to certain words or phrases every time that word is spoken. Water park with a hick accent is one of those words). Sometimes she insists on wearing that $1 store hat. I was trying to convince her to leave without throwing a tantrum by distracting her with the seagulls. As long as we tell everything goodbye, she is usually okay.
We went to go see an Winston-Salem friend who was staying with her in-laws for a quick stop in. I do appreciate that people come to visit UT. But sometimes I wish the cool people would stay.
We don't usually eat out, but when we do, we spend a weeks worth of groceries in one evening. I did enjoy my teriyaki burger. For the first time, we paid $5 for a kids meal. But Lexi did like those chicken fingers. And Mr Smith got a monster milkshake that both of us loved, but had to ask if it was really a monster - very deceiving word choice. That's what I expected from a regular size, not even a large. It's American for heavens sake. Give me monster!
And the worst news among the "How We Roll" is viewable in this photo below. You think it's cute, but it's only become a habit because we have a king bed and we don't like getting out of bed 2-3 times a night, which is what she has required of us this last month! This is why you can't brag about your children sleeping awesome, because then they start pulling crap like this. So I don't know what her issue is, but this mama is about to go off her rocker. Plus, it's creepy to have someone breathing in your face in the middle of the night appearing from seemingly no where asking to get in your bed. And then you wake up with a knee to the rib cage and a slap in the face.
This has been on my to-do list for awhile (cutting my hair and donating it), but one that could easily be shoved off. I wasn't able to do anything fun with the length and it was impossible to blow-dry. Since mom was in town, I decided it would be the ideal time to go since she could watch Lexi. I reached out for opinions and my cousins told me Great Clips did a free cut for hair donations and then I mailed off the hair a few days later to Wigs for Kids, which I was told provides free wigs to kids. So I hope it arrived safety and was put to good use. I on the other hand feel 12.5 inches and pounds lighter in this dry heat. But a hair cut always takes a little getting used to. I felt myself get emotional on the first cut and then after that I was like - whatever. I am blessed with fast growing hair. I need another inch to get back to my easy ponytail and maybe in time I'll go back for layers. I have only had it cut this short once in my life. And that's after I made my roommate cut my hair after paying someone else to do it. So here it is if you don't follow me on Instagram . . . one day I'll remember to do side by side before & afters.
And then I tried having a goofy face-off with Lexi and I think she won with the eye roll.